Oh, Baby
by Nausicaa Smith
Summary: I'm home sick from work and got the good drugs.  This is the true story of the origins of Ururu.  Enjoy the crack. -Chapter 3 is up: Yoruichi cleans house!
1. Chapter 1

"No, I don't get it." Shihouin Yoruichi folded her arms and cocked her head at her best friend and lover skeptically. "Explain."

"Well." Kisuke folded his arms as well, but in a matter-of-fact way. "I was trying to see what would happen if Shinigami DNA was mixed with human DNA, and what would happen if either was mixed with Hollow DNA. Obviously these three species don't interbreed very often, you see."

"Yes, I get that part. I donated DNA for the experiment, remember?"

"Yes, so did Tessai. So did a number of our acquaintances."

"So... you mixed the DNA."

"Yes, I mixed the DNA."

"Go on."

"And well... kidou never was my strongest point, you know. It didn't go exactly as planned."

"'Didn't go exactly as planned.' _That's_ how you're putting it?" Yoruichi looked pointedly at his large and obviously pregnant belly. It was quite visible under the sweatshirt he'd dug up, since none of his own clothes would fit.

"Well I don't know what else to say. Obviously I screwed the magic up somehow. Tessai was most ashamed of me."

"And you managed to get yourself nine months pregnant with one misspoken incantation?"

"It appears to be more like, seven months, although I am no expert in these matters."

"Why?"

"I already told you, dearest, it was an accident. I only wanted to have a look, not give it the means to develop into a..."

"Fetus. The word is fetus."

"Right."

Yoruichi got up. This was bad. Okay, not bad in the same was that being exiled from Soul Society was bad, or having 8 of your good friends partially Hollowfied was bad, but it was, in fact, pretty crappy nonetheless. They already had 8 people to look after, who were blessedly back in their right minds and working hard to regain control of their lives. They had to worry about keeping their operation extremely covert, and the Vizard's hideout extremely well hidden, which of course were Yoruichi's specialty. But shit like this complicated things greatly.

She had a sudden mad fantasy about setting Kisuke's laboratory on fire and dancing naked in the cheerful flames.

"So, abort it."

"I considered that." Kisuke broke eye contact with her and looked up at the ceiling, his face flushing bright red. "... and I've decided that it would be highly unethical."

"_Unethical_? Right, because playing with DNA is very ethical."

Kisuke looked down guiltily. The sudden weight gain made him look very round and innocent, and Yoruichi fought the urge to feel sorry for him. _He doesn't deserve sympathy right at this moment_, she told herself.

"Yoruichi, I'm not saying it's a bad idea. But do we really need to go around creating things just to be destroyed? Look at the mod soul fiasco, look at that story about the Bounts that's cropped up in the news. Mayuri's fault, no doubt. Obviously destroying it would prevent a lot of problems, but I don't want to associate myself with that sort of injustice." He got up, leaning heavily (and somewhat comically) on the back of the chair for balance. "As it is, I think my name has been slandered quite enough without my actually doing anything unsavory."

Well, that was a pretty good point. Part of the reason Yoruichi had run away from Soul Society was because the 46 had ignored her evidence that Kisuke was innocent in light of the fact that she hadn't had any evidence of who'd actually committed the crimes for which he was exiled. It was understandable that they wanted to appear to be doing something, punishing someone, but to Yoruichi it was such a heinous miscarriage of justice that she could no longer make herself support the system. She'd have sprung Kisuke and Tessai from prison even if they hadn't grown up in each others' back yards.

"Okay so, supposing you can safely give birth to it somehow, what will you do with it? It's got half a dozen's people's DNA, and Hollow DNA. You and I aren't exactly cut out to be parents, and we can't rightfully set such a creature up for adoption while not knowing what sort of powers it may or may not turn out to have."

"Well, I'll think of something. I'd just prefer not to go around killing my accidental experiments. Besides, who knows? It may turn out to be quite powerful! I'd love to be involved in that sort of long-term experiment!"

He had that look in his eye again. Fucking fantastic.

"Right, because that's so very ethical, too."

"Well it's better than the other option. Do you think if we could ask it, it would want us to kill it or let it live?"

"You're being irrational, just like any typical pregnant woman, idiot."

Kisuke grinned bashfully. "Well, what can I say?"

Yoruichi sighed again. Well, she had made a promise long ago to stick by him, and stick by him she would. Baby or no. Although truth be told, a part of her was kind of jealous. If they were going to have a baby, she ought to damn well be the one giving birth to it!

"Okay, you do whatever you think is right and just and all that. I've got some spying to do involving Aizen's new lieutenant, this Hinamori girl. She seems to be pretty dedicated, I just want to find out if she's under his spell or in on their plot."

"Very well, we'll be eagerly awaiting your return, as always."

"And look after yourself, don't die of anything before I get back."

"I'll put forth my very best effort, love."

"Fine. Ciao!"


	2. Chapter 2

Yoruichi returned from her mission a month later to find the store in a state of complete neglect. There were boxes of shipments piled up in the front, the doors were locked, a layer of dust coated everything and Kisuke and Tessai were nowhere to be found.

Yoruichi walked through the back screen, slamming it open hard enough to splinter the wood. "What the fuck is going on? Man, I can't leave you people alone for five seconds!"

She found the two sequestered in a room downstairs. Kisuke lay on a pallet hooked up to an IV, and one look told her that he wasn't doing so hot. He was very pale, though clearly no longer knocked up. Tessai was asleep in a chair, and in a wooden crate at his feet was a bundle of white blankets that Yoruichi was somewhat wary of inspecting just yet.

She walked up to Kisuke's pallet and kicked him in the face. "Yo, what the hell is going on here?"

He gazed up at her blearily. "Oh, hello Miss Kitty." His head lolled a bit.

Yep, Kisuke was useless. Giving him up as a bad job, she turned her attention to Tessai, who stirred under her scornful gaze.

"Yoruichi-dono!" He was on his feet at once. "I'm so glad you came! We've had a bit of trouble this week."

"I see. What's with the rugrat?" She pointed at the box.

"Well, we think she's fine. We were judging when to take her by how Kisuke was feeling, and on Tuesday he was getting paler and paler, as if he were losing blood. Kurosaki Isshin came over with his doctor's equipment and we took her from Kisuke by a combination of magic and Isshin's knife."

Ugh. Much as Yoruichi was happy to stand by Kisuke, love of her life, she was glad she hadn't been here to stand by him for that.

"He's very drugged now, but the child appears to be fine. Er, we haven't got her a proper cradle yet."

"I see. Nice box."

"She seems comfortable enough, my lady."

Yoruichi crouched down to inspect the infant. Only a small round face poked out of the blankets, sound asleep and indeed looking content in spite of living in a box. It had very dark hair.

"My lady, if you would be so kind as to look after these two for a little while...? I am in desperate need of a shower and a nap at the moment." Tessai bowed to her.

"Oh, of course, you go on. I think I've got it under control."

"Thank you." Tessai turned and was gone. It was only looking at the back of him that she realized that he was wearing a pair of old pajamas, his shoulders were slumped wearily, his hair mussed beyond anything she'd ever seen. Tessai was normally one of the most prim and proper and energetic people she knew. Could an infant be responsible for his current state?

She eyed the baby suspiciously. Could it be that difficult? Certainly not, right?

_It's just a baby._

Yoruichi picked the infant up gently and carried it over to Kisuke's pallet, where he was still blissfully asleep. She arranged the infant near Kisuke's shoulder and looped the IV cord around his other wrist to pull it up out of the way. She laid herself out along his side on the pallet, propped up on one elbow facing him. She stared at him for a minute.

Then she slapped him.

"KISUKE!"

He awoke with a start. A bleary, ineffective start, anyway. If she'd been even the meanest Hollow, he'd have been dead. But after a moment his eyes focused and his face softened in recognition.

"Hey." She took his hand, guided it over to the sleeping bundle of blankets. "Sorry I wasn't here."

He grinned weakly. "Don't lie, I know I couldn't have paid you enough to be here."

She grinned back. "Well, I'm sorry you know that you couldn't have paid me enough to be here, then."

"Fair enough, love."

"Have you decided what to do with her? Found her a home?"

Kisuke shook his head, then looked as if he regretted it. "No, there's nobody who's interested in a half-hollow, half-shinigami, all mutant baby. But, she looks pretty normal." His eyes rolled toward her, still dead to the world in her fluffy cocoon. "I'm thinking that if we can find a proper babysitter, when she's old enough we can hire her as a hand at the store. We do need some extra help. I mean, we obviously can't get along by ourselves when you're gone away."

"Too true, I can't leave you pathetic mongrels alone for a day, can I?"

"Aye, it's a miracle we're even still alive. Did you find anything out about this Hinamori person?"

"Well," Yoruichi laid her head down on his chest, glad to be back in familiar conversational territory. "She's under the spell of his Soul Slayer like everyone else is, and there's nothing to be done. It's a shame really, because she's damn talented, a master of kidou. Hirako would have been glad to have her as his own lieutenant."

"A pity."

"Yes. Apparently she's got a little brother who's just made Captain, too. Hitsugaya Toshiro, he's been put in command of the Tenth Division. He's damn talented as well, it must run in the family. And a record breaker, too."

"Oh? What sort of records?" Kisuke's voice was stronger here; he had a huge interest in records and the breaking thereof.

"Oh, I think third shortest time in graduating out of the Academy, third shortest bankai training time... and youngest captain in the history of the Thirteen, I might add."

"Not bad, I'll have to meet him someday. If I don't die of septicemia and exhaustion."

"I'm sure you'll be fine, Isshin is quite a good doctor. Have you got a name for the spawn, then?"

"No. Tessai is wanting to call her Ururu, but I am not a fan of that one."

"Well, there's plenty of time. You know, she doesn't look a thing like you."

"Well blonde hair and blue eyes are very recessive traits, and they've got five or six other sets of DNA to be competing with. It's no surprise that my genes lost that particular battle."

"Well, congratulations anyway. You're a _mommy_, Kisuke!"

"If I had the energy I would so be kicking your ass right now."

"Ah, but you don't. You're pathetic and weak and tied down to this IV." She patted his feverish head consolingly. "You're going to be putting up with me for _days_."

"Joy."


	3. Chapter 3

All was quiet. A profound darkness had settled on them in the night as they slept sequestered in the cramped room under the shop. Yoruichi lay plastered against Kisuke's side, as tangled in the IV line as he was himself. Her night shirt stank of sweat, but she was too exhausted to give half a damn. Kisuke himself was pretty filthy too, but as Isshin had kept him in a drugged stupor these past three days bathing him was pretty difficult and both Yoruichi and Tessai had a vague fear that they'd forget him in the bath and let him drown.

A sharp, piercing wail cut through her subconscious.

_But considering that this is his fault, would a good thorough drowning really be so unjust?_

She heard Tessai roll off his sleeping bag with a miserable moan and grope around for the light. In a moment the blessed darkness had been chased away by bright fluorescent yellow, and Yoruichi found herself automatically disentangling herself and heading out to the kitchenette to find a bottle for the spawn.

Kisuke, of course, did not move from his drug-induced slumber. He was as useless tonight as he'd been when she'd returned two days earlier, and wasn't suffering half as much as he ought to be. He wasn't the one who had to look after the damn helpless thing. Tessai had taken a trip out to the market and found the child a proper cradle and some clothing and supplies, although frankly half the things he had come back with had proved more baffling than useful. Mostly all they had needed so far was blankets and cloth diapers, the crib, and an assortment of bottles and milk.

Well, it wasn't milk. Apparently cow's milk wasn't good for babies of any kind, so here in the real world they manufactured a powdered substance that one was obliged to mix with water and heat up before offering to an infant. This was obviously necessary, as none of the three of them were up to the task of nursing her, and both of the functioning adults were pretty sure that now she had been born, it would certainly be unethical for them to let her starve. Kisuke would be sure to scold when he awoke if they did.

Lukewarm plastic bottle in hand, Yoruichi returned and sat down heavily next to the little wooden cradle, where Tessai had already scooped the child up and attempted to soothe her. His words were just so much ineffective foreign gibberish to her, though, and she didn't shush until he'd stuck the bottle in her mouth. Yoruichi, who'd had no luck at quieting her so far, slumped over onto a pile of dirty clothing and curled up, catlike, using one arm to shield the bright light from her eyes.

Meanwhile, Kisuke slept. _One day_, Yoruichi decided. _One day, he's going to pay for this. _

She woke up again with a familiar hot sunlight on her face. Tessai always opened the windows at night to let in the cool, balmy air. Yourichi turned her head to see him sprawled out on the floor in his pajamas, the infant sleeping quietly next to him under a dirty towel. Clearly he hadn't woken up in time to close the windows, and now the whole room felt like an oven. Yoruichi forced herself upright, which took more effort than it ever had in her entire life, and surveyed the room. Kisuke hadn't moved, though he was definitely still breathing, and his IV bag was empty. Isshin would pitch a fit. There were dirty towels and blankets strewn across the room, empty food containers, empty bottles and empty formula cans, various bits of trash, a sack of used cloth diapers... and nobody awake to clean it up but her.

Well, it was just going to have to get done. That was something she'd picked up from spending too much time with Rose: messes were simply intolerable. Rising from her improvised pillow (the dirty laundry) she headed for the door, grabbing the sack of diapers on her way. She was headed for the shower, but on her way she dumped the whole sack into the empty washing machine. They'd get clean one way or another.

In the bathroom she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and wondered if she hadn't fought a particularly grueling battle in her sleep. Her hair was a disaster, she had a big smear of something white across her forehead, and her clothes were beyond recognition. An intense two-minute shower solved most of these problems, though she refused to put her own clothes back on and opted to search through Kisuke's closet until she encountered a long red t-shirt that fit her like a short dress and a pair of black socks. She made a mental note to bring more than two changes of clothes when she came here.

Passing by the washer again on her way back, she started it and put in way too much soap. Yep, they'd get clean enough. Isshin had already arrived and was berating a drowsy Tessai loudly for letting Kisuke's IV run out and for making a baby sleep on the floor.

"Can it Kurosaki," Yoruichi mumbled, locating a garbage sack, "They're both still alive. We've had a rough night." She picked up the nearest piece of trash and began filling the sack, throwing away reusable food containers and dirty napkins and silverware indiscriminately.

"I'm cutting his dosage down to half." said Isshin, "So he ought to wake up and be functional sometime this afternoon. When he wakes up, call me and let me know, and have him take one of each of these, every four hours." He placed three pill bottles on the floor by Kisuke. "Let him eat solid food if he wants to."

Haha, solid food. Yoruichi couldn't remember the last food any of them had eaten, period. They'd have to address that at some point today, too. She shut the window and turned on the fans. Isshin took pity on her in the heat and the mess, and in under an hour they'd tossed out all the trash and piled up all the dirty laundry in the laundry room, and collected all the bottles and dishes and started them up in the dishwasher. The machines these humans came up with, some of them were just fabulous. Despite sometimes being homesick, Yoruichi loved the real world. They had all the best sweets, too.

Tessai got up and went to take a shower, taking the baby with him. The room was cooling off gradually. Isshin knelt down by Kisuke to check over him one last time before leaving.

"You guys are going to have to help him take a bath today, too. He's filthy."

"Pfft, why don't _you_ help him?" Yoruichi yanked all the blankets out of the crib and laid down clean ones.

"Me? Hell no. Besides, he's your man. Think of it as practice for when you've grown old together. You know he's going to do some stupid shit and wind up a cripple in his old age anyway. And change his sheets too, he doesn't need to be getting any infections."

"Suck my proverbial dick, Kurosaki."

"I'd love to, but the clinic opens in ten minutes and I've got to get down there." Isshin waved himself out as Tessai was returning, wearing clean clothes this time (even shoes). He put the miraculously still-sleeping and much cleaner baby in the crib and muttered something about making breakfast. Yoruichi nodded, too tired to argue that maybe they ought to order out, and grabbed both their sleeping bags and dragged them toward the laundry room.

As the day wore on their situation improved steadily. They managed to get all the laundry done and keep the spawn mostly quiet, and Tessai did indeed round up some pancakes and sausage, which greatly improved their mood. Kisuke began to stir fitfully some time after Tessai went off to the grocery store (they didn't have anything to make for lunch or dinner). Yoruichi sat beside him and poked at him until his eyes opened.

"You're going to pay for this, you know."

"I have no doubt." he croaked miserably.

"Isshin says you have to have a bath today. He also says you have to take one of these pills every four hours." She pointed at the bottles, which she had moved to sit on a nearby box so they wouldn't get kicked over and lost. "I'll go find you some water."

As she entered the kitchen she heard the back door slide open and a minute later a blond girl in a red jumpsuit came in. It was pretty early for the Vizard to be up and about, but she looked wide awake.

"Isshin called and said we ought to check on you morons every few hours." Hiyori said, leaning back on the door.

"How kind of you." Yoruichi found a glass. "Moron Number One is downstairs. I'm sure he'll be glad to see somebody other than me."

"Kay." Hiyori flounced down the hall toward the stairwell.

Yoruichi picked up an apple out of the basket and took it with her, wondering if Kisuke would eat it. She could hear Hiyori shouting even before she reached the stairs.

"BABIES NEED TO BE ROCKED, MORON!"

Yoruichi turned the corner, eyes already rolling. "Whaaaaat?" She said loudly.

"Why is there no rocking chair? You gotta rock babies, duh!"

Actually... that wasn't a bad idea. "Ok." She said blandly. "We'll go downtown and get one this evening." Kisuke had pulled his covers all the way up over his head in a vain attempt to shield himself from Hiyori's rage. Yoruichi ripped the blanket away and threw it in the laundry pile. "Hiyori, would you be so kind as to force him to take one of each of these pills?"

Hiyori grinned. "My pleasure." she said, not without venom.

A just bit of revenge, and only one of many to come.


End file.
